I have always thought of this as a safe and reasonable place for me to examine and work out the hurdles of a clean and sober life; a place where my defects and the lessons I learn along the way can perhaps lend hope to others; a place where I can receive support from other voices on the happy road of destiny; a place where I can stop, turn back, and see just how far I’ve come. It has been called to my attention, however, that the anonymous writing I do here is hardly anonymous. In fact I’m sure I have allowed that I can be discovered by those who love me. I have never wanted to shut them out. But it has also been brought to my attention that by leaving that door open and going about the business of bearing my soul without reservation that I have in fact placed myself in the position of hurting others.
I must now consider whether it is wise for me to continue on this path. I don’t want to edit my soul. And I don’t want to create new harm, create new wreckage, add to my already enormous list of amends. In another blog a few months ago I wrote, “you should know that the you I hold in my heart is you.” I know now that post was read by it’s intended audience. I know now that she reads this blog, too. Before today I have never held back anything that has been going on in my life (pretty much) and that it has never even occurred to me to hold anything back. I have always viewed the process of writing this as essential to my recovery. The thought of having to be careful distresses me.
I have several reasons to be careful. Fourth step is pretty clear about setting our resentments down and then taking a different view, putting out of our minds the harms others have done to us, both real and imagined, and looking solely at our own part. This is a complex relationship. There are a myriad of resentments in it; both real and imagined harms. I am not nearly well enough to always take a kindly view and treat them with the love and care I would cheerfully grant a sick friend.
I believe it would be cruel of me to continue writing the way I do because of the potential impact my writing could have on those I love; not only the ones I’m writing about but also those that get dragged into the sad dynamic to be witnesses or arbiters of a version of the truth. I believe it may be time for me to leave this particular writing assignment. If I did, though, I think I would be getting a brand new resentment in the process. Getting a brand new resentment or harming people I love; it’s this or that. Caught between Scylla and Charybdis.
I need to pray on this one. I need input from my friends out in the ether. I need to talk to my spiritual advisor. If I do anything on my own I’m bound to fuck it up.
Filed under: Acceptance, Amends, Anger, Boundaries, Culture and Society, Family and Friends, Fear, Forgiveness, Grief, Humility, Love, Mind, Personal Reflections, Spirit, Step Work, Willingness, crystal meth, early recovery, methamphetamine, recovery
You have stayed clean and sober this far Chris. From where I’m standing (think about that one) you don’t look you have “fucked up”. I trust that you will come up with the right decision. Sit with it for awhile and see how you feel in a few days.
In your new photo the corners of your mouth are turned downwards. You seem to be in pain or angry or frustrated. Are you or have I just read something into something that is not there.
All the best Chris.
The Anomymity ‘rules’ I was told were:
You have two choices.
Either say anything you like about the person, place or thing, BUT DO NOT INDICATE OR REVEAL THE IDENITITY. Not even a clue or a hint.
OR.
Reveal the name, but then you are not able to say details. Not a blow by blow account. We share in a GENERAL way, sort of thing.
Thats how I do it.
yeah that kind of post (the one you refer to) is best if your identity is not known. Anonymity is very freeing. i don’t reallly ubderstand why so many of the US bloggers choose to put their Identities online.
Alcoholic Diary doesnt. (15yrs) Doc A at relationships in recovery (over 20yrs) doesnt. two of my former sponsees blog
http://johnojohno.blogspot.com/
http://progressnotperfectionii.blogspot.com/
and I advised both to do so under a ? made up name, ie not to reveal their ID. Personally I think its by far the most sensible choice. and is very liberating in terms of what you can write.
I am very pro anonymity as i find it simplifies things hugely. In all my affairs to be honest. not just blogging. I am very concious of the times when I refer to another person and mention something they did. Its a murky area. People have been confiding in me for so long, and what they tell me is private, so I have to be very tough on anonymity, as I do not want to breach their trust. i use anonymity all the time in different sorts of ways. It sort of keeps ? poteintially harmful stuff private.
But as you can tell from a lot of other blogs, other people see it very differently. But I rarely find myself agreeing with the majority, so that doesnt bother me. I’m sure you will figure it out.
Crap I have to get ready for work. I’m commenting on this when I get home!
Hey Denys,
I think in the photo I’m just, like I am much of the time, a little bit sad, a little bit heart broken. I have had a hard time smiling much lately. It’s not that I don’t have joy. I do. It’s been a hard week, though. Between the IFX, the psycho, the dismiss-trix and the 4th step, I spend much of my time grieving. I seem to always be in more than one place along the grief continuum – bargaining and anger, acceptance and denial; there is always more than one thing going on and more than one thing to come to acceptance with. You drive down the road in your station wagon throwing the empty beer cans in the back. When, after years of doing that, you slam on the breaks, you’re buried underneath the garbage of your past.
Someday soon I’ll smile more.
I can understand that you don’t want to hurt your loved ones, but when you think about it, editing yourself deprives them of being able to see through to the real you. Sometimes honesty can cause us pain, but it is so important for you to have a refuge.
The people you love make the decision to visit your blog. That means they take the chance that they will read something that affects them emotionally.
In the end you do what feels right for you, but I believe personal relationships should be built on understanding. How can anyone understand you if you aren’t free to be open?
Hey Chris,
I can’t get email to go through…but I found a dresser and possible a bed frame….are you still a friend in need, my friend indeed? If so, gimme a call. Robb has my number if you don’t.
Tammi