The Faith that Grows

But sometimes, in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, the discussion of finding a relationship with a Higher Power that can support and sustain one in the certain low spots that lie ahead, is not only frowned upon, but actively discouraged. As AA has grown, more and more people pass into (and back out of) ‘the rooms’ who have not yet or, perhaps, will not reach the level of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization that is nearly always required for one to grasp on to the program with the desperation of a drowning man. It is hard for me not to fault certain members of AA who, having found some relief in simply not drinking (or using), have elected to forgo the work required by anyone who is truly an alcoholic or an addict. I have long observed and it has been my experience that one can gain a certain relief from the suffering that living an unexamined and purposeless life imparts simply by hanging around AA long enough and by accumulating a few days of abstinence. It is even possible gain merciful relief by propinquity, the filial calculus of entering a room filled with a brothers and sisters who have been pulled from the jaws of death virtually guarantees it. Even the founders were aware that what the program offers is something almost anyone can benefit from. In the forward to the first edition of the book they say as much.

When this type of ‘alcoholic/addict’ enters a 12 step meeting and shares ‘their’ program they deprive others who, like me, need THE program, of hearing the solution to the hopeless state of body and mind from which we ‘real’ alcoholics and addicts suffer. And like many of us who are relatively new to this, to doing the work and seeking God and working with others, I do not suffer fools gladly.

I have been absent from writing both my blog and my inventory lately because I have been angry with many of the members of (what I used to consider) my home group. I chaired a meeting there a couple of weeks ago. When one of the members there, someone with a couple of years clean, ’shared’ about his struggles with schizophrenia and sex addiction but never mentioned alcohol I ‘thanked’ him and let someone else have a chance to speak. I believe that it was my responsibility to the group to do that. It is none of my business if he went to his sponsor’s house later that night and cried about how mean I am. Making sure that the message of AA is delivered in an AA meeting is my responsibility. Seeking out and working with newcomers is my responsibility. If I am looking at the last drop in my cup it is my responsibility to be looking for a chance to help someone without a cup.

I was severely criticized for asking that guy to stop and moving on to the next person. Then I made the mistake of opening my mouth in that same meeting a week later and talked for seven minutes; a full two minutes over the customary five, compounding the criticism I endured after Sunday’s meeting.

The same way gay people in Boise, Idaho, don’t want to be politically involved (we’ve known Larry Craig is a big fat gay homosexual faggot for decades and never did anything about it) they also don’t want to know about or share the solution that is supposed to be available in their own AA meeting. Perhaps that’s why there are so few gay members of AA here. That’s not really true. There are plenty of gay AA members, just very few who go the the gay AA meeting here.

So that’s it. I dumped my home group. And I’m trying to get over being angry about how it happened; not something I, as an addict, am capable of doing or have any power over. But I believe that in recovery, as one seeks a relationship with their Creator, one’s faith grows. It grows into certainty. It grows into reliance. God willing I’ll learn to deliver that message more effectively and find the right place for me to share it.